Karkat the Two Wheeled Device
by DaughterofDemeter123
Summary: Karkat in several situations that range from AU to just plain weird. Plenty of quadrants.
1. Gamzee

_{Karkat,Gamzee}_

"Hey there, best friend." Someone breathed in his ear, hugging him from behind.

Karkat jumped in his seat, startled. His surprise was short-lasting, however, and it was quickly replaced by rage.

"FUCK! Gamzee, where have you been you idiot?" He snarled. "I looked for you everywhere and I couldn't find you!"

The clownish troll just smiled and plopped down on the floor next to his moirail's chair. It was now that said moirail noticed his current attire.

"...Gamzee."  
"Yeah, Bro?"  
"The fuck are you wearing?"

Gamzee grinned. "Miraculous motherfucking fairy clothes, my brother!"

"You look ridiculous," Karkat paused, scowling. "And your stupid ass clown paint is a wreck!"

He stood up, muttering angrily under his breath. He grabbed Gamzee's arm and hoisted him up to his feet. Gamzee followed him obediently as he headed for a transportalizer.

"Come one, shit-for-pan. You're getting cleaned up."  
"Aw, shit. Thanks, Bro! Diamonds forever, dude."

He didn't need to look at Karkat's face to know it was now bright red.


	2. Nepeta

_{Karkat,Nepeta}_

*ac purrs delightedly as she spots a prime piece of prey! she stealthily begins to pad after the unwary troll as he traverses through the corridor!*

"Nepeta, I know you're following me!"

*the fierce huntress pawses in her steps. has she been spotted? she knows there is only one course of action to take!*

"Oh, fuck. Nepeta, don't you dare-"

*she pounces!*

"RAWR!" The now airborne catgirl cries out as she crashes straight into her target. "h33h33! Hi Karkitty!"

"What is _WRONG_ with you?" Karkat squirms, fighting down a strong blush. "Get the fuck off of me right now, dammit!"

"No can do!" Nepeta giggles, more giddy than usual. "A huntress of ac's stature would never release her prey!"

She sits cross legged on his chest, staring down at his infuriated face. Aw~! How can anybody still be so dreamy even when they're soundly defeated and immobile?

"Why. The fuck. Not?" He seethes, clearly trying to calm down enough to be civil.

"Beclaws, uh..." Nepeta thinks over her options for a bit. "Oh! You've nefur joined in on a tea party before!"

Karkat emits a string of curses so foul they cannot possibly be repeated by anyone. There is a REASON he never went to one of her dumb tea parties! He- no, fuck that! You don't _need_ to know why!

"And what do you want me to do about that, nookwipe?"

"Let's have a tea party, Karkitty! Let's have one right now!" She cheered. Forgetting where she was, she began to bounce up and down. "I have a tea set from LOLCAT capchalouged right now!"

"OW! SHIT! NEPETA, CUT IT OUT!"

*ac mewls an apology to her purrisoner!*

"And enough of that stupid roleplaying!"

"Okay!" Nepeta rolls off of his chest and stands up. "Karkitty, are we still having our tea party?"

He grumbles a little about insane furries but nods his consent. Nepeta squeals and takes out her aforementioned tea set. It has never been used before. She had been saving it just for this moment. Happily chattering away, she sets it up on the floor and pours two cups. Karkat stares at it apprehensibly, but takes a sip anyways. It's sweet, way too sweet for his tastes, but he sucks it up and drinks it anyways. Nepeta isn't all that bad, he guesses.


	3. Eridan

_{Karkat,Eridan}_

"Kar!"

A muffled wail in his ear alerts Karkat that his expertise is needed once again. Sigh. He subtly closes out the viewport he'd been using to watch (not spy on!) the alien dipshit before turning around to assess the situation.

Eridan, a frequent visitor, is standing there. Eyes watery; check. Biting cape; check. Screwing around with ridiculous jewelry; check. Well, wasn't this just dandy?

"Alright, who fucking turned you down this time?" He demanded. "Was is Sollux again? I told you last time he doesn't hate you like _that_."

The seadweller mumbles something inaudible.

"Speak up, nookstain!"

"I tried to get Ter to auspisticize..." He says, pouting. "She told me I smell like cough syrup and hit me wwith her cane."

Karkat smacks himself on the forehead in disgust. Had this dumb ass seadweller learned _NOTHING_ under his tutelage? After the countless hours spent on educating him about romance, _this_ was the result?

"FUUUUCK. Eridan, what did I tell you about grey-rom? What did I tell you!" He rages. "There needs to actually be a danger of you two killing each other off! There needs to be passion! Understanding! An auspistice needs to genuinely give a shit about the other two, you can't just go around willy nilly asking whatever random fucker you happen to meet to get into a committed relationship with people they barely know! That isn't a thing you can do!"

"Wwell sorry for tryin'!" Eridan sasses back, dropping his cape. "I just knoww she was gettin' annoyed by our bickerin', it was all ovver her face!"

"GRAAAAH!" Karkat is suddenly so infuriated he is unable to say anything coherent.

"Seriously, Kar! Anyone wwould'vve thought the same thin'."

"You are an idiot!" Karkat scolds loudly. "Quadrants are way more fucking complex than your puny think pan seems able to handle! Really! What is wrong with you!"

Eridan's face droops. "I dunno, Kar. I just don't knoww."

Shit. Now the fishboy was making his pity sack pulse in empathy. Shiiiit.

"Listen," Karkat tries in a softer tone. "We're only six sweeps for fuck's sake. Stop getting your bulge in a twist over this quadrant stuff and slow the fuck down. Just try to be a friend for a while."

"I-I guess I'll try." Eridan sniffles. "Thanks Kar. For puttin' up with me and everythin'."

"No problem."

Even after Eridan leaves, he finds that his pity sack won't calm the fuck down for a long time.


	4. Equius

_{Karkat,Equius}_

"No. Fuck no. We are not having this conversation."

Karkat walked down the hallway as quickly as he could to try and lose the other troll, whom was easily keeping up with him with long strides.

"Vantas, I implore you to consider it." Sweat dripped down Equius' forehead. This was not going well. "You likely will not ever find a better suitor for that particular quadrant (please excuse my bluntness)."

The shorter troll stopped trying to get way. He glared up at the blueblood with a ferocious look on his face.

"Listen up! You have no right to say that _I_, the fucking _Master_ of romance, can't find a fucking matesprit on my own!" He snarled with such spite he looked ferrel. "I don't need a so called 'suitor's' moirail badgering me all the time about my quadrants!"

Equius frowned.

"There is no need to be so... lewd."

This comment naturally just set Karkat off once more.

"Oh, shut the hell up! Fuck! Fuck fuck fuckidy fuck fuck! I can be as 'lewd' as I want to, you ass-kissing muscle freak! Seriously, who are you trying to fucking please? Gamzee? He's stoned out of his think pan ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Vriska and Terezi don't give a damn! You don't even _like_ the seadwellers! No one cares but you, dumb ass! And you know what? I think the whole thing is really goddam stupid! Not even Tavros is that fucking wimpy!"

Here he paused to breathe. Before he could start up again, however, Equius began to perspire. Profusely.

"My... my word! I had no idea you felt this way," His eyebrows were raised high above his sunglasses. "Oh, fiddlesticks. What will Nepeta think? Surely this will destroy her senseless shipping chart..."

"The fuck are you going on about?"

The taller troll straightened his posture. "I was not at all expecting your black solicitations, and I am unable to properly respond at this moment. I will need to contact you on the matter... later... not now."

Karkat's ocular spheres bulged out of their sockets as Equius took off running down the corridor in the direction they'd come from.

"Black solic- Equius get the fuck back here!" He shouted, sprinting after him. "Equius!"


	5. Vriska

_{Karkat,Vriska}_

A lone wiggler looks out the window of his respiteblock. It is boring, but since his stupid meanie head lusus broke the television, he has literally nothing better to do. This is so STUPID.

Suddenly, of of the corner of his eye, he sees some movement.

Someone bursts out of one of the neighboring hives. The figure is small, about his height, and it is moving pretty stealthily. It is dragging something that is certainly not even close to his size and certainly not _alive_. A neighbor.

The smaller figure is moving very slowly, presumably having difficulties with the corpse. How is no one else seeing this happen?

"What are _you_ up to, butt-munch?" He calls out the window.

The mysterious figure freezes in it's tracks and slowly turns to face the source of the unexpected intrusion. A pair of yellow eyes cut through the night and stare up at him, wide and surprised at being caught. Quickly, the surprise replaces itself with arrogance.

"I'm bringing this to my lusus! She told me to get her dinner all on my own tonight!" Her voice, which is most definitely female, is full of pride but somehow laced with fear. "And I did!"

The male troll in the window does not speak for a few moments. Just when the young murderer was almost completely sure he's shut up and left her alone, he opens his mouth.

"Are you dumb or something?"

This, she was not expecting. Fear, maybe. Perhaps just indifference. Not an insult!

"Whaaaaaaaat? I was doing fine until you showed up!"

"That's not the point, stupid! That guy's matesprit only lives a few hives over! There's no way she won't notice something's up right away with her freaky psychic powers! Not to mention the sun will be up in just a few hours! You'll probably burn to death before you can even get back to your lusus! Where do you live, anyways? That isn't a suburban accent, and you'll never get out of here if you don't know how to navigate! Not to mention the smell. Thanks for stinking up everything in a mile's radius, genius!"

The troll outdoors is silent for a few seconds before giving a semi-loud huff.

"No one around here can hurt _me_ without getting culled! I'm too high for there to be no consequences."

"You really think someone in mourning would care? Try again, dipstick!" The troll in the window shakes a fist at her ignorance. "Just- SKREEE! Wait a minute!"

He disappears from the window. After a moment, the troll girl begins to drag her victim in the direction of home once more. The entrance of the hive bangs open and a troll her around age appears. He's wearing a too-big turtle neck and grey shorts. His hair is messy. His horns; nubby. His symbol, weirdly enough, is painted a steely grey. Behind him, he drags a wooden wagon.

"Here." He thrusts the handle in her face. "Use this from now on. And stay out of places with lots of trolls! Not everyone here's a lowblood, you know. You're gonna get hurt if you keep this up."

She, he notes with a bit of smugness, is a little shorter than himself. Her hair is wild and her horns are mismatched. There's something weird going on with one of her eyes, but he decides to ignore it. The symbol on her shirt is blue, but she is covered in speckles of yellow.

"..." She does not move, she simply stares at him.

Growing impatient, he drops the handle and runs back into his hive. His lusus is going to start harping about sleep soon anyways.

When he crawls out of his recuperacoon the following evening, he troops over to the window once more. The wagon is noticeably absent and he can hear the shrieking of his neighbor's matesprit as she finds blood everywhere but no body. Slowly, he feels his face begin to get hot so he tears away from the window before anyone can see his bright red blush.


	6. Kanaya

_{Karkat,Kanaya}_

Kanaya loved her job. She loved the flowery, perfumed smell of the shop and she loved the decor. She loved helping out the poor fashionless darlings that would wander in occasionally, and she loved to talk with the ones that knew what they were doing.

But today had been slow. Hardly a single person had stopped by, and she was _bored_.

She tapped the counter in front of her with lovely green manicured nails. Her abundant patience, one of her finest traits, was beginning to wear thin. No one was coming, and she was beginning to wonder exactly why. Usually, the shop was rather popular around this time of day, but not a soul was present.

People passed by the window, running, excited and terrified. What on earth could have been going on?

Perhaps it was time for her to take her break. She stood up from her stool elegantly (even if no one was watching her) and calmly walked to the front of the shop. She put up the closed sign and exited.

Now outside, she saw a huge crowd had formed under a nearby apartment building. They were pointing at one of the windows, murmuring anxiously, some holding up their phones to take pictures or call local authorities.

Kanaya looked. She blinked and looked again. She gasped and began to fight her way through the crowd.

There, standing precariously on the ledge of the open fourth story window, was a teenager. He was wearing faded old jeans and a baggy grey sweatshirt. He was not moving. He simply stared down at the people. She knew him. He and his girlfriend were frequent visitors to the shop, though to her understanding, the girlfriend had recently been in a terrible accident.

"No, no, no..." She mumbled as she unceremoniously pushed people out of her way.

This was not happening. This could not happen. No, not to him!

"Karkat! Oh dear God, what are you doing? Get down from that window!" She shouted, emerging from the front of the crowd. Her usually soft voice was full of panic.

Everyone stared at her. The teenager himself looked at her, mildly surprised to see anyone actually doing anything. He knew this person. She was that store clerk. The one that always put up with him and Terezi's bickering back while they still went 'couple shopping'. Before the whole mess with the LARP group.

He hadn't thought about her in awhile. Honestly, he hadn't thought about anything but that terrible day and Terezi's plight in a long time.

"Fuck no. I'm not backing down now! This is for the good of this whole shitty world!"

His words were full of anger and angst and nearly the entire crowd quieted. Nearly.

"What are you saying? Nothing will get better if you do this! Nothing!"

Sirens wailed as the police finally arrived. Karkat ignored them and Kanaya and slowly began to inch along the edge on the side of the building. Had he looked, he would have noticed she had disappeared from the crowd.

"Hey, kid, want to tell me why you're doing this?"

Clutching the building as best he could, he gazed down at the policeman with dumb-ass square glasses and the mega horn.

"Because I fucking have to!"  
"No, you don't have to."

"YES I FUCKING DO, TURD!" He snarled. "I should have been there! I should have stopped her before it got so fucking out of hand! I should have stopped all of it before it happened! Now Terezi's life is _ruined_, Tavros can't fucking walk, and Aradia is goddam DEAD! Who knows what the fuck would have happened to Nepeta if she hadn't had work that day!"

"Son, I'm sure it was not your fault. There probably isn't any way you could've done something about all that unless it's like in Back to the Future and you have an awesome time machine!"

Karkat did not respond. He just glared at the police officer spitefully.

"Now, why don't you- ma'am! Ma'am, don't try to be a hero!"

Gaping, Karkat looked to his left. There, a tall woman with short hair, a fashionable outfit, and green eyes inched along the ledge after him. Her sensible shoes lay abandoned inside the building, she had a determined expression on her delicate features.

"Kanaya! What the fuck!" He shouted. His throat felt raw. He began to feel queazy. "Get down from here, you're going to hurt yourself! SHIT!"

She nearly lost her footing, but managed to stay on. Her heart was beating faster than she ever thought possible and she tried her absolute hardest not to look beneath her

"I am not getting down without you."

Suddenly, everything seamed very real to Karkat. Here was someone he barely knew, risking her life over HIM while he did something stupid yet again. He couldn't stand for this.

"No! Fuck! Stop being an idiot and get down!" His voice raised an octave. "I'm jumping Kanaya, and you sure as hell aren't coming with me!"

"Now you listen to me," She retorted, eyes blazing. "You are young and not the most rational of people, but believe me when I tell you you DO NOT need to do this! Darling, I know what happened and I know you feel that you are to blame, but you are not and this certainly is not the answer! Please think about all you would be leaving behind! You are intelligent enough to realize how much you would be missed, aren't you?"

Karkat grew silent. He guessed his dad may be a bit unhappy about his son being dead. Gamzee would probably end up overdosing to block out the memory. Nepeta would definitely cry. He had no idea what Terezi or Sollux would do.

"Don't you realize that if you kill yourself, only would be eradicating a part of everyone you have ever known?"

She tried to inch closer, but her foot slipped. Suddenly, she was wobbling dangerously. Cries of alarm came from the crowd. Firemen and police men below scrambled to put a trampoline in place below the two.

"KANAYA! SHIT! Fine, fine! I'll come down! Just don't fall!"

Kanaya did fall. She felt weightless for a few seconds as she stared at Karkat's terrified face. Luckily, the trampoline was there in time to save her. Several firemen helped her off. Someone wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. She did not stop looking at Karkat.

_'Come Down. Please Come Down.'_

Karkat leaped off the building, managing to land perfectly safe on the trampoline. Seconds later, he was standing next to Kanaya with his own blanket around his shoulders. The police cleared the area. They remained quiet as they were slowly left alone.

After that day, Kanaya went back to work. Around noon, she was greeted by an angry young man and a blind girl, arguing over just about everything. They were on a date. Just as she always had, she assisted them.


	7. Aradia

_{Karkat,Aradia}_

"Why the fuck did I think this would be a good idea?"

Karkat grumbled moodily as he followed the other troll down the winding narrow path. He looked apprehensively at the drop below and gulped. Aradia was having no such fears, skipping carelessly and whistling a merry tune.

"Don't worry! We're almost at the site," She grinned at him. "It's really interesting! You're gonna love it."

"Yeah yeah. I'm so fucking sure," He scowled back at her. "A bunch of old dirty crap. Fun."

She stuck her tongue out at him. They continues down the path, which gradually became wider in their decent. Eventually, they were walking side by side. There was less and less foliage as they continued on, and more and more of what appeared to be a staircase.

"Oh! Here we are!" Aradia cried out triumphantly, braking out into a dash. "This way!"

The perpetually grumpy troll let out a few curses, concerned by her ridiculous carelessness. He did follow her anyways, though.

By the time he caught up with her, she had reached the very center of the natural bowl of rock they were in. She was standing on what appeared to be some sort of stage, and she was hopping up and down excitedly.

"Calm down! You're going to fall and chip a horn if this keeps up."

"Pish posh!" She grasped his hand and pulled him up with her. "I've done this before you know."

Now on top of the stage, Karkat was actually able to get a good look at his surroundings. The whole thing, with the stage and the many stairs all over the place, actually looked like a stadium or something.

"The fuck is this supposed to be?" He asked the giddy maroonblood beside him.

"Hard to say! At first I thought it was a theater, but even back then acting and stuff was more of a highblood thing, and this was a mostly lowblood populated area. So then I figured it was like a meeting ground or something similar! Back when the adults still lived on-planet, they had to set new laws in place practically all the time to keep some semblance of peace, and the Empress simply was unable to address all of them by herself!"

She frowned, looking a bit troubled.

"But that was also more of a highblood thing. They had blueblooded trolls stationed everywhere lowbloods were more prominent, to write and uphold laws. Now I just have no idea what this place was! None of my usual sources are telling me anything. It's a real mystery."

Karkat studied the rock underfoot. It seemed too smooth to have been carved, or to have been formed there naturally. It would have to have been made with psychic abilities. Ridiculously strong psychic abilities. He suddenly noticed something.

"Hey, Aradia, look down there," He pointed to the section of rock in between where they were standing. "I think it's a footprint."

"Hmm," She crouched down and examined it, a happy glint in her eyes. "Yeah, looks like it. Weird. There aren't any other markings like this around here. I can't believe I missed this!"

As she began to babble on about what it might mean, a non-existant breeze caught her long hair and flopped it around all over the place. She quieted down for a few painstaking moments. Karkat shifted uneasily on his feet.

"Aradia?"

She stood up, her face suddenly serious.

"Karkat, I want to try something. Put your foot down on it."

He complied, though he was grumbling and more than a little worried about his companion's mental state. The rock sunk under his weight, which was surprising. There was a _terrible_ sound, and suddenly a previously unnoticed hatch scraped open a few feet away from them.

Aradia broke out into a grin. What an incredible and exciting discovery! Finally, the voices of the dead were actually being helpful!

"Let's go in!"

Before the other even had a chance to respond, she had gone ahead without him.


	8. Tavros

_{Karkat,Tavros}_

"Fuck."

It was the first thing that came out of Karkat's mouth after Tavros gave him the news. Vriska had officially ascended from her rank as a little bit bitchy to a '8luh 8luh HUGE bitch'. She had mind controlled him off a fucking _cliff_! That was not okay in his book.

In fact, that stunt should not be okay in ANYONE'S book. EVER.

Whatever though. Tavros couldn't be seriously hurt if he had been able to contact him. The retarded 'invisible' feeling in his legs would have to wear off eventually, right? And so, with a great flourish, he typed up a snarky response and continued practicing with his scythes. Later, after the guilty realization that no, it didn't go away, and yes, Tavros was really paralyzed set in stone that he would definitely need to become the best leader ever.


End file.
